– Steven Wright

247.

25. It’s about giving. *Amazon and the Amazon logo are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc., or its affiliates. Marriage is like a walk in the park, Jurassic Park.

I’m sorry, but that’s just the way I am. 72.

I breathe in and out. 43. 233. I see food, and I eat it. Like a road, it has many bends, ups and down, but that’s its beauty. My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? When you fall, I will be there to catch you - With love, the floor. 207. 66. 277. 5 Best Inspirational Books You Should Read to be Successful, 14 Simple Ways to Step Out of Your Comfort Zone Quotes With In, 7 Loved Principles Of Life That Will Help Self-Improvement, 100 Top Funny Gym Quotes – Exercise Fitness motivation, 117 Romantic Happy Birthday Wishes For Wife, 100 Funny Birthday Wishes for Friend or Best Friends, 36 Best Minion Quotes Images | Funny Sayings, 40 Forgive Yourself Quotes | Self Forgiveness Quotes images, 40 Funny Jokes Minions Quotes With Images | Funny Text Messages, 45 Good Morning My Love Quotes images | Love Messages, 45 Sarcastic Funny Quotes on Life & Sarcasm Sayings, 40 Crazy Funny Friendship Quotes for Best Friends, How To Be Creative – 7 Ways To Find Your Passion, How to Self Confidence Building and Self Esteem, 56 Positive Good Morning Quotes and Images, 50 Funny Love Quotes with Beautiful Pictures, 42 Funny Life Quotes to Make You Laugh Out Loud, 60 Short Funny Quotes and Funny Wise Sayings. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. 242. I’m going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, I’m outstanding. – Steven Wright.

Cell phones these days keep getting thinner and smarter; people the opposite. Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. 25. 212. – Bill Murray The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep. How do trees access the internet?

Looking for the best funny phrases and wise words to sayings about life. 239. – Czech proverb, 261. 63. 151. 129.

Decomposing. – Stuart Turner 48. People say you can’t live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. 55. 60. – Pat Sajak Looking for the most funny quotes today. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning. 147. I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. 249. – Ann Landers You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep. I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. 211.

To the guy who created imaginary numbers in math: I hate you.

Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent. Why can’t you play cards on a small boat? See if life makes the same mistake twice. Seeing a spider in my room isn’t scary. Smiles are contagious, be a carrier.

It is, therefore, safe to say that, sense of humor can help you become successful in whatever you choose to do in life. Really? Life’s biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I don’t want to get out of bed. 186. You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. George Burns I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying. 199. 119. It doesn’t work if it is not open. – George Burns, 253. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning. 99.

Romance isn’t about buying.

47. True romance is gestures.

A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. But you can always be immature. 231. Then use the profits to buy an assault rifle. 8. 137. If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. I don’t need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. Remember: Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. 1. 229. 247. I tried, but they wanted cash. I wasn’t mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I’m mad.. yes, I’m mad! I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain. 212. Funny Quotes And Sayings Short funny Words “Life is not always perfect. Because seven “ate” nine.

268. The more you weight the harder you are to kidnap. 223. I have Alzheimer’s bulimia, first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke.

9. Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else? The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

92. How can you not like someone who can make you laugh? ‘Alright, get in the basket.’. How come iPhone chargers are not called apple juice?

216. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? 279. – Cindy from Marzahn.

Some people are like clouds. After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F. Life is like a hot bath. I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge. 272. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they’ll start using it. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 71. 150. A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist. We all have baggage, find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack. No matter how bad it gets I’m always rich when I go to the dollar store. They log in.

59. 263. 17. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see. Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? 101. 55. 32. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. 175. 39. If at first, you don’t succeed, so much for skydiving. – Lily Tomlin I’ve made it from the bed to the couch. 225. 24. All you need is love.

112. Read our short quotes quickly, because they're short! Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them.

I didn’t mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. 23. He who wakes up early, yawns all day long. I don’t like morning people, or mornings, or people. 133. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. – Socrates. 54.

At night, I can’t fall asleep. I’m not arguing, I’m just telling you why you’re wrong. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. 3. 251. With great power comes an even greater electricity bill. 183. 63. 87. You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish.

98. 91. 126. Pleasing everyone, that’s impossible. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 72. 26. I’m not lazy, I’m on power saving mode. If Monday had a face, I would punch it.

I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. 131. 203. 117. 255. The one who hopes for a better day. Pampered cows produce spoiled milk. What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? Sorry, I didn’t pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone.

I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it. 90. 269. 201. 50. 105. I’m old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. 68. 46. Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. I’m in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year.

– Benjamin Franklin.

If you don’t succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried. My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. He who wakes up early, yawns all day long. 125. 108. 92. 271. 265. 150.

– Rodney Dangerfield, 198. 82. He who laughs last didn’t get it. – Bill Murray, 260. I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks. 188. 229. 222. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. It’s going out of your way to make them happy. 79. 89. – Ken Dodd, 255. 240. 148. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. He’s dreaming too. 5. 152. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could’ do. 230. I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. – Franklin Jones, 259. 35. Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying.

I love my computer because all my friends live inside it. Never ask a starfish for directions. 86. When life closes a door, just open it again. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt. A gummy bear. I eat cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere today. – Albert Einstein I thought you said extra fries. 254. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. 161. Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too. Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. A person with a great sense of humor is also more likable. If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research. Learn sign language, it’s very handy. To make time fly, throw your watch out the window. After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F. 204. I’m not lazy, I’m on power saving mode. You can only be young once. It has nothing new to tell you. I may not know karate, but I know crazy and I’m not afraid to use it. 43. 220. 35. 176. 170.

I wonder, do we lazy people go to heaven or do they send someone to pick us up? Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa. 269. The one who spent her days smiling, and her nights crying. First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. 279. Diet rule #1: If nobody sees you eating it, it doesn’t contain any calories. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. I may not know karate, but I know crazy and I’m not afraid to use it. 94.

158. You never run out of things that can go wrong. 171. – Jackie Collins, 240. Because they make up everything. Snowballs. 261. Pretty much useless but make you smile when you push them down the stairs. – Alison Boulter.

271. 233. Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn, hardest thing in the world. – Benjamin Franklin If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments. I never apologize. – Milton Berle, 245. 239. – Erma Bombeck I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. 93. 120. A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. Yeah, so is a grenade. It doesn’t work if it is not open. I know that I am stupid but when I look around me I feel a lot better. Short cool quotes and sayings and happy funny quotes, short fun daily quotes and funny jokes quotes, short funny but meaningful quotes and funny thought, Short funny quotes and sayings about life, Short best funny quotes and funniest quotes ever, Short funny weird quotes and hysterical quotes, short thought of the day funny humor quotes, funny happy quotes and daily funny quotes, funny facts quotes and interesting quotes and sayings, humorous quotations and hilarious quotes and sayings, clever quotes and funny weird quotes or sayings, crazy funny quotes and funny everyday quotes, funny emotional quotes and funny thought for the day, funny intelligent quotes and funny humour quotes, humorous quote of the day and funny strong quotes, funny proverbs and outrageous quotes interesting sayings, Your email address will not be published.

Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean? 253.

Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. 91. – Ken Dodd 33. 168. 18. 17. Making everyone angry, piece of cake. 40. I used to have winter fat but now I have spring rolls. 200.

When the past comes knocking, don’t answer. It’s dedicating her favorite song to her, and letting her eat your fries; telling her she’s beautiful. On Mercury, a day lasts 1,408 hours. Never take life seriously.



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